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I’m starting here with the Real Housewives of Potomac because I’m way too behind to start from episode 2, and you won’t read that many backed posts anyway. So, here’s a quick recap of where we are:

The ladies go to stay at the Nemacolin Woodlands Resort for some outdoor activity I would surely do whatever I could to get out of. Monique crashed her car because she “didn’t have four martinis and was just tired,” Karen is still Karen and shoving that Gucci belt down everyone’s throat, oh and JUST ANNOUNCED BROKE BILL GATES ASKED HER FOR A DIVORCE, Candiace told Tharrisse she was having a “shady bitch moment” because Tharrisse asked Candiace if her mom bought her engagement ring and now Tharrisse is demanding an apology for the “shady bitch” comment (don’t do it, Candiace), Ashley’s mom is asking for more money, Gizelle and Sherman look like they’re about to break up, and Robyn is still boring.

We pick up where we left off with the divorce bomb. Apparently it was a “long time ago” that Broke Bill Gates (BBG, henceforth) asked Karen for a divorce, but Tharrisse calls bullshit and so do I. Karen is THE WORST LIAR and it’s pretty obvious that by a “long time ago” she means like, last week. But as always, she comes up with a Karen line that is my new favorite. When Robyn asks her if she has a college degree, she says “No, I refused mine.” I’m sorry, WHAT? You “refused” yours? That isn’t a thing. Please elaborate. Apparently, she is an entrepreneur and didn’t want a degree, and she announces that she is in the “discovery phase” of her new fragrance line. Let me save you the effort: it’s going to smell like moth balls mixed with dirty wig hairspray that has been layered on for YEARS. I love how quickly she can divert and change a subject. It’s an art and I applaud it.

The ladies disperse and Karen and Gizelle hobble into their room, where Karen whispers to Gizelle that when BBG asked for a divorce, she thinks he was trying to “protect her” from the IRS. Ok, so it WASN’T a long time ago? Robyn, Tharrisse, and Ashley go and rummage through Karen’s shit to find a wig, and of course they find one wadded up in a Rite Aid bag. Ashley shoves it under her dress and runs upstairs to put it on. The ladies reconvene downstairs and Robyn introduces Ashley as “Kurrrrrn Huger” and Ashley struts out in Karen’s Rite Aid wig. Ashley goes on to do Karen impressions INCLUDING when the wind blew Karen’s wig off a few episodes ago. Karen is a good sport, but I feel like this will come back to bite Ashely in the ass eventually.

Candiace meets up with Chris at the restaurant where he works as a bar back, I mean, “manager.” They eat key lime pie and we cut back and forth between her and Monique. Monique tells her family that Ashley is telling everyone she was drunk at lunch and that’s why she crashed her car, and says that she isn’t a lightweight and doesn’t want to be lumped into that category. OKAY? But I’m pretty sure the excuse, “Officer, I’m not a lightweight. I can totally drive like this and alcohol ISN’T why I crashed my car” is not a valid argument. Good luck with that. On another note, Monique’s kids are peeling carrots and I’m waiting for a finger to get cut off, because I can barely handle that at 30 years old. I find this stressful.

Now we’re at Gizelle’s house, and she’s doing more dramatic church readings in her church lady hat to….no one. There is literally no one at her house. She looks and sounds insane. She says she hasn’t heard from Sherman in 29 hours and I think I might know why.

Karen goes to visit Matt at his office. She tells him she wants to launch a fragrance line and wants to “bring him along” on her fragrance journey and you can see the dread all over his face. She wants to have an event and invite all the ladies to help figure out what the hell she’s doing. Matt suggests she titles the fragrance “Empty Nester by Karen Huger” and he thinks it’s much funnier than she does.

Candiace and her mom go to check out a hotel as a wedding venue. The wedding planner tells Candiace that to get what she wants is double the budget she has set. Candiace’s mom is giving $100,000, her dad is giving $20,000, and her mom tells her to call her dad for more money. Her mom tells her that her dad was chasing women and not there for Candiace’s childhood, so to be afraid of marriage. Thanks for the hot tip, mom.

Ashley goes to her mom’s house. Her mom says she needs to get out and travel and find herself and figure out what she wants to do with herself, and basically she sounds like every millennial ever. She gets mad because Ashley’s douche husband won’t call her back, but Ashley says that’s because he is sick of having to financially take care of her mom’s loser boyfriend, which is fair.

We’re off to the fragrance event, and I can only hope it’s as big of a success as the press conference. All the ladies show up in their best jumpsuits, and there’s a blur out over Candiace’s nipple. The girls take a quiz to discover their “scent personality.” Gizelle’s interpretation of one of the scents smelling like a second grade teacher who smells like old drapes encompasses exactly what I feel a Karen Huger scent would smell like. Tharrisse says that Monique is mad because of “the whole correlation of the insinuation that she was drinking and driving” and please Tha-Tha, stop trying to use big words. Monique said she threw up in the bushes after the hot tub scene in Nemacolin because of the cigar, not because she was drunk. I can actually buy that because cigars WILL make you vomit everything you’ve ever eaten if you inhale them. Speaking for a friend.

Gizelle tells Ashley when she returns to the table that Monique is mad at her. Monique goes into why. A full fledged fight breaks out and MATT, of all people, has been instructed to break up the screamfest. One thing I will agree with Monique about is that the new word to cover up shit talking is “concern.” Whenever one of them spills the tea on another, it’s because she’s “concerned.” That’s the best fucking loophole I’ve ever heard. Karen screams for them all to shut up and almost loses her wig. She summons security and they call off the evening. Candiace confuses BMI for blood alcohol level and we’ll leave that alone. The fight continues outside, and Ashley says she doesn’t think that the crash happened BECAUSE Monique had four martinis at lunch, she says it simply happened because they potentially increased her level of drowsiness, but that it had nothing to do with the fact that she was hammered. Someone get this girl a law degree, because that is some flimsy bullshit of a defense. Monique starts screaming at everyone and Robyn gets in her face. I’m sick of Robyn playing the victim card all the time and acting like she’s innocent, because behind that Eyore facade is one shady bitch. Monique tries to choke her out with an umbrella. Fin.

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