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This week, on Real Housewives of Potomac…

We open up at Karen’s rental that is in dire need of a pressure washing. She pours champagne for two and sits down to drink by herself. I don’t think she lives there. I really don’t.

Gizelle, her mother, and her three daughters, ANGEL, ADORE, and GRACE, go to breakfast. Their breakfast arrives and I had to pause on Gizelle’s avocado toast. Maybe I’m just spoiled because I live in the land of avocado toast, but this shit looked like commissary bread with a hard hunk of small, pathetic avocado falling off. Between this and the caprese salad Monique ordered on the last episode with clear tomato and high school cafeteria mozzarella, I’ve decided that Potomac really needs to work on food quality. This all looks like absolute shit. Gizelle tells her mom and the girls about her and Sherman breaking up and no one seems to care.

We’re at Monique’s now and FINALLY NOT IN THE KITCHEN. She is showing her brother, Kevin, what the kids should wear while she’s gone and then goes over their daily essential oil routine. She tells us about how she doesn’t believe in medicine, ONLY essential oils. SHE IS ONE OF THOSE. STAY. AWAY. Monique, you are not going to cure cancer with your lavender mint or vanilla patchouli bullshit, do you hear me?

Ashley is packing and FaceTimes Robyn, telling her about how she’s bummed because Michael looked tense and uncomfortable the whole time she was singing and did not tell her she did a good job. I think it was hard on all of us. Ashley puts on a horrible sequin hat and starts speaking in a RIDICULOUS French accent to prepare Robyn for their trip to France. Thank god they’re not going to China.

The ladies arrive at the airport and Ashley is still working with the French accent. She lets us know again that she studied French in high school and is therefore very connected to the language. Bitch, please. I’ve been speaking it since I was two years old and I can promise you this: they, much like ANYONE ELSE, do not appreciate when you imitate what they sound like speaking English. Also, they hate us. Karen makes a point of saying you sound like a douche if you pretend to speak a language, and I applaud her.

Karen is ready to fight Gizelle. Charrisse shows up OF COURSE. She will never miss a chance to be on camera. Monique arrives, and Robyn is not there yet. She says she’s on her way but of course in true Robyn fashion, she’s sick and whining and being the ultimate downer. Monique and Charrisse upgrade to first class and everyone is pissed. Gizelle alleges that Ashley was saying another man’s name in her sleep and I think we can all stop pretending like we don’t know she’s 100% hooking up with the manager at Oz at this point.

Monique starts telling a producer about how hard life is being married to an NFL player and how hard it was for Charrisse being married to a coach. I’ll remember how hard she has it next time she crashes a Bentley into a tree midday from “falling asleep” and has a pool party with her friends on a Tuesday afternoon. She lets us know that her and Chris got into a fight because she has been doing more for herself.

Ashley gets a cold on the plane, probably from Robyn’s bubonic plagued ass. The girls all get on two helicopters to head to Cannes. At the hotel, Monique offers Gizelle and Robyn the second nicest suite and tells them to decide who gets it between the two of them as a weird olive branch since she said she knows they didn’t really want to come. Okay so what are they supposed to do, arm wrestle? HEY, THANKS ‘NIQUE. Gizelle says it should go to Robyn since Monique tried to choke Robyn out with an umbrella, but Robyn argues that that’s exactly why Gizelle should take it, so she does. You knew Robyn wouldn’t let herself have something nicer than her queen Gizelle.

Monique leaves nice gift baskets and cards in each of the ladies’ rooms. Candiace FaceTimes Chris and baby talks while looking at herself on the screen the whole time and fucking with her weave. She’s pissed because she can’t see the French Riviera from her room, and is instead looking at another building. Hopefully for his sake, he doesn’t call her a princess again. Hopefully for ours, he does. She’s also mad because she has to go buy adapters for her electronics. NO SHIT.

Robyn thinks that the box on her table is butter and has to open it to discover that it is, in fact, filled with chocolates. Yes, Robyn, I too would be confused at brown box with gold writing that said “chocolat.” Those French are just so sneaky.

Gizelle FaceTimes her kids and none of them answer, and Ashley calls her mom because I think she’s the only one who splurged on international calling. She’s back to realizing her mom loves her and Michael is a prick, so she’s talking to her again.

The girls all get ready for their dinner that evening and take several selfies and Boomerangs. Monique tells them that tomorrow, they’re all going to some essential oil factory and they all seem about as excited as they would be for a colonoscopy. After that, they’re going to Grasse so Karen can explore the land of perfume for the perfume line she’s pretending to start.

Gizelle asks Karen about her new pretend fragrance line, and Karen immediately gets defensive. When Gizelle asks Karen which stage she’s on business plan wise, Karen asks her which stage SHE’S on her for her makeup line, and Gizelle promptly replies “I’m in business.” Perfect AND true, because you can actually get it at Target. Take notes, Karen. Karen refuses to answer any questions with actual concrete answers as per usual. I am both impressed and annoyed with her ability to never answer a single question, ever.

According to Ashley, Matt, Karen’s “friend she’s known for 12 years” aka some poor fuck she found on Craigslist under “friend for hire” told people that Karen doesn’t actually live in that big white dump she rented in Great Falls, but rather, an apartment somewhere else. Charrisse confirms that Karen was recently dropped off at Ray’s bachelor pad he had before they were married (and kept THROUGH their marriage??) and THAT is where she actually lives. Word on the street in Potomac is that Karen is essentially homeless. Finally, they ask Karen the question: are you still living in your home in Great Falls? Karen says she IS living there, and people must be confusing it with the townhouse connected to the actual house, where her son Brandon is currently living. No one believes her, as they shouldn’t. In addition to not being able to answer a question, Karen also lacks the ability to tell a convincing lie. Charrisse points out that none of of Karen’s furniture from her original house in Potomac is in the Great Falls house, and that it is all staged. Final ruling: this is very much an Arrested Development situation and Karen is squatting in a show home.

Gizelle brings up the fact that Monique is shady for upgrading to first class with Charrisse and leaving the rest of them in the back, and Monique immediately starts whining about how she got in a fight with Chris right before she left so that’s why she did it. They all decide that it’s because Chris is mad that all attention was on her for her birthday and not him, and he’s a big giant baby because he’s an athlete. The women all commiserate on how tough it can be being married to men in the spotlight (Gizelle to a well-known pastor, Monique to a former NFL player, Robyn to a former NBA player, and Charrisse to a former NBA player and coach), and Gizelle and Monique bond. It’s a rare moment of genuine understanding and concern for Gizelle.

Candiace jumps in to try to relate, since she is a “pageant title holder” who has been on local news and “in the public eye,” and all the women erupt into laughter. She brings up Princessgate AGAIN and none of the women can hear her over their guffawing. They finally tell her that she acted like a dick that night, and Charrisse CALLS HER A PRINCESS. OH. SHIT. All the women immediately leave and I don’t know why because I would watch this shit all night.

The next morning, all the women meet in the lobby and they all look great, except for Karen who is wearing lesbian sneakers and a bad outfit. Gizelle comments that Karen “slapped on a sideways wig and her CVS shoes” and I’m liking her more and more. Robyn isn’t there yet, and Gizelle tries to encourage them to go on without them while she waits, but they all agree to wait for Eyore. It’s a clear attempt to dodge going on the essential oil tour, which I can totally understand. Gizelle tells Charrisse that she thinks Karen doesn’t want to go to the parfumerie because she doesn’t actually have a perfume company, and it takes a FAST nosedive into the harsh fact that Ray aka Broke Bill Gates has been pursuing Gizelle’s business partner, Erika Liles. The producers freeze frame on BBG looking like the biggest creep ever while he hunts down Erika and we end with Gizelle saying he wants to “lick Erika up and down.”

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