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This week, on Real Housewives of Potomac…

Karen and Candiace go get their nails done and get one of those weird fish pedicures where the fish eat your calluses. I didn’t even think that was legal anymore. I hope they’ve got a shark to nibble on Karen’s clodhoppers. Kyndall shows up again, angling for a spot as a Housewife. Karen says she’s done with Gizelle for backstabbing her. Karen asks Candiace why her and Chris got into a blowup at her party, and she tells Karen it’s because he called her a “diva princess” and Kyndall tells her SHE IS and he was not wrong. Okay I’ve changed my mind, I like Kyndall now. Candiace tells the girls that she took her ring off and “made a comment about his father” but kind of left out the part about how she said he was a piece of shit loser and to fuck off out of her life. Karen tells her that she would have left her if she were Chris, and now I like Karen, too. Here’s the thing, everyone: I can never commit to liking a housewife full-time. I will always flip flop, so you better not expect consistency.

Monique “I’m Not an Alcoholic” Samuels and Chris go out to lunch at a wine bar. She shows him her logo for Not for Lazy Moms, her blog or whatever. Still not really sure what that is. She dives in on the worst looking caprese salad ever. She starts talking about how she’s not sure what she did for Charrisse to be mad at her. Now Chris is asking her about what she wants for her birthday besides a Lamborghini, which he says he will not be getting her. He offers to send her on vacation while he takes care of the kids. They talk about getting her pregnant that night, and she says that their sex keeps getting better and better and starts simulating it, but I think she’s still just angling for the Lamborghini. Also, I could have done without that entire moment. And this lunch.

Ashley pretends to work at Oz and rounds up the troops to go over some event she’s going to have. I guess it’s an open mic event and she will be signing, and I can’t wait/am terrified. Brad, the head chef/manager asks if Ashley’s mom is coming and then it just gets weird.

Here we are again in Monique’s kitchen. I’m starting to think this beast of a house doesn’t actually have any other rooms, and of course her kids are sitting on the fucking island, as always. She has decided to have her birthday trip with all the ladies in Cannes and Nice. I can’t wait to see this mess. She chose France because she said she loves essential oils and her name is French. I’m going to just leave that one alone.

Robyn is doing dishes and talking to her kids and I’m daydreaming about a midday nap. She reminds us again that Juan finally has a job and she’s in real estate. The doorbell rings, and it’s a creepy fucking mime. There is no fucking way I would answer the door for this shit. Call the police. But of course, it’s Monique’s elaborate and stupid way of inviting her to France. They flash back to the last time Monique and Robyn saw each other, when Monique tried to choke her out with an umbrella. Maybe she can try again with a stale baguette a few thousand miles away.

Gizelle and Karen meet for lunch. Gizelle says she misses Karen because she misses her drunk dials. I would just like to take a moment to address Karen’s SHOCKING testimonial look, because I don’t think we’ve covered that yet. I can’t handle the bright yellow polyester/satin blend top with the Gucci belt and fake Chanel brooch from 1987 and matching yellow wig. Every time they cut to that, my eyes need to readjust like I just had a photo taken in pitch black with the biggest flash ever on a camera. I’m never ready, and it takes me a full scene to recover. The murderer mime shows up and Karen keeps yelling at Gizelle and he just casually walks away. Karen yells at her for wearing the leopard print jacket to her event and says it shouldn’t be worn twice in the same year, but she clearly doesn’t follow her own rule because that Gucci belt is quite literally hanging on by a thread. The conversation turns to Kyndall and Gizelle questions why Karen is bringing her around all of a sudden. The mime returns and Karen has finally found her perfect companion: a mute who will just let her yell her nonsense and constantly call for security. Who IS this security she’s always calling for, pray tell?

Candiace and Chris show up to meet with a lawyer and discuss a prenup. They come in empty handed with no assets and she just lists her mom’s assets because she says they’ll be hers when she dies. Chris says his asset is that he’s a partner at the barbecue restaurant but I doubt that’s true. Candiace says when she’s old, she plans on leaving him for a white man with hair. Why can’t she just do that now? She says if he goes out and finds a “concubine,” then she wants alimony. She says the word “concubine” about 12 more times, leading me to believe she’s just learned this word today and possibly picked up a copy of Pearl S. Buck’s The Good Earth from Chris’s son’s high school summer reading list. This is going really well.

Monique goes over to Charrisse’s house and I’m surprised that Charrisse doesn’t take the party to her stupid thampaaaagne room. Charrisse accuses Monique of using her and Monique forces herself to cry. Charrisse pretends to cry. They hug and discuss France, and Gizelle texts Monique to let her know that neither her nor Robyn will be going to France with her.

Now it’s Ashley’s open mic night at Oz and I can’t wait for this disaster. Karen is the first to arrive in that same tired Chanel brooch. Gizelle and Robyn arrive, as does Ashley’s mom. This will be trouble. The girls discuss France, and Gizelle announces that she will not be going on the trip. Gizelle, being the shady bitch that she is, says Karen won’t be able to attend because the invitation says to “pack your Louis Vuitton luggage” and she surely doesn’t have any. Robyn tells Karen that she’s a two faced liar for lying about whether or not she was coming to her event. Ashley starts the open mic night. The first act is a man in a pleather miniskirt and stilettos singing, the second is a singing red headed woman wearing what appears to be the wardrobe remnants found shoved under a bar mat of a 1998 German discotheque, and the third is a rap duo I can’t even begin to describe. Charrisse and Monique show up, and Monique goes to talk to Gizelle about ignoring her at the CBC and convince her to come to France.

Michael arrives and Gizelle looks at him the same way I do: with disgust. Ashley has big plans to sing him a song to try to win him over. Sheila, Ashley’s mom, goes to sit next to Michael and he’s extraordinarily uncomfortable. Ashley and her brother get up to sing. Apparently, singing was her “talent” when she was in Miss America. She did not win.

Monique attempts to talk to Robyn and convince her to come to France. Robyn refers to Gizelle and asks if they’re going, and Gizelle says yes. I really want Robyn to make a decision without consulting Gizelle one day. Maybe next week.

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