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This week, on Real Housewives of Potomac…

We’re back for another week with the Real Housewives of Potomac. Ashley is doing yoga on the patio contemplating her marriage and says that she isn’t with Michael for his money so she wants to prove it by extending their prenup.

Gizelle goes to the plastic surgeon with Robyn for a vampire facial. Only on housewives do people bring their friends to this shit. I don’t need company when I get Botox, thanks. Gizelle reveals that her and Sherman are on the rocks and he hides now when she has any problems. Apparently, he takes issue with her mentioning them as a couple in the tabloids, probably because it fucks up his dating life when he’s in Miami. Gizelle, move on. You can do better. His head is too round anyway.

Monique and her mom go dress shopping for a dress for Monique for some event. Monique is probably 32 and her mom is maybe 35, 36 tops. I need whatever anti-aging cream she’s using and I need it by the vat. Monique’s friend Gigi shows up and frankly, isn’t worth mentioning.

We’re back with Robyn and Gizelle at the blood doctor and Robyn goes off again about her stupid journey and how she’s been broke and blah blah blah. Please, tell us again about how your electricity was turned off once. She’s getting ready for her first (and probably last) “She is Empowered” event.

We are shopping again with Monique and crew, and I know she said the dress is $4,000, but both of those dresses looked like the Cache special of 2002. We go back and forth between Robyn talking about her event and Monique talking about hers, and- uh oh- they fall on the same night! Good thing neither one of them invited the other.

Candiace brings her mom snacks and Candiace whines about how she has to cater to her mom with snacks and gifts when she visits. Reminder: her mom owns the house. Bring your mom some Ritz and cheese slices or more of that free barbecue from that dump Chris works at and get over it. Her mom is wearing a terrible wig. This shouldn’t be since she invested in (read: owns) Candiace’s hair company, Prima Hair Collection. If this is some Prima Hair she’s wearing, then she needs to pull out. It’s going to fail.

Michael is hover boarding around his office. Every time he starts talking or doing anything, I want to fall asleep. Apparently, their prenup stated that if they got divorced before the three year mark, she’d get a lump sum and if it was after, she’d get half. I wonder what she’d do with $10K? The possibilities are endless! She asks him if they can set a time frame for how quickly she can get the lump sum if they divorce before the set time frame, and Michael BREAKS THE FOURTH WALL and says “we aren’t going to have this conversation on camera.” She said she’s doing this as a show of good faith to him so that he doesn’t think she’s just married to him for the money, but the first question being “HOW FAST CAN I GET MY MONEY?” kind of ruins that whole facade. She signs and announces she’s “in it to win it,” “it” definitely being half.

Gizelle and Robyn show up to Robyn’s pool party cabana for Gizelle’s birthday. Ashley is the first to arrive in a very cute pool ensemble, Sherman is missing, and everyone notices. The food looks great because they have sliders and a fuckton of carbs, and that’s my kind of pool party. One with food. Heavy food. Karen shows up, unfortunately. Robyn is already balls deep in a plate of food. Monique and Charrisse show up and right off the bat, there is tension between Robyn and Monique. Gizelle announces that she didn’t invite Candiace, and I’m good with that.

We cut to Candiace’s mom’s house and Chris is cooking something that’s probably gross. Candiace says her mom “blows in, does what she wants to do, and peaces out.” YEAH, Candiace. IT’S HER HOUSE. THAT IS WHAT PEOPLE DO IN THEIR OWN HOMES.

Back to the birthday, and the drama begins about Monique and Robyn having events on the same day because naturally, Gizelle has to bring it up. Charrisse calls her messy. Robyn escalates it. Both Robyn and Monique claim they didn’t know that their events were on the same day, initially. Robyn leaves and goes to whatever event she’s pretending she has that evening. Gizelle’s friends Kal and Angela show up and bring out Gizelle’s birthday cake. Immediately, Ashley says “it’d be nice if Sherman was here!” just to be a dick. Gizelle and Sherman are clearly on the rocks.

Robyn and Candiace meet for breakfast. Karen shows up. Candiace and Robyn ask if Karen is coming to Robyn’s Women’s Empowerment event, because apparently Karen has been dodging her when it comes to the RSVP. Karen says she didn’t bring her phone in because the screen is cracked and the phone is shutting down so she can’t check. She claims that when she said “yes” in the text message about the invitation, she wasn’t saying “yes, I’ll be there” she was saying “yes! Go you!” which is the BEST (flimsiest) excuse I’ve ever heard and really fits Karen’s “brand.” She blames this on……..SIRI. Apparently, Siri has been fucking with Karen for YEARS now. Robyn says that if Siri has this much control over Karen’s life, then she must have helped Karen do her taxes and Robyn goes up a few notches in my book for that one. Karen finally confirms she’s going to Monique’s event. Robyn shares a breakdown of all of Karen’s shitty events she has attended in her testimonial.

Monique, Chris, Ashley, and Michael go bowling. There’s a pretty solid chance I’m going to fall asleep during this scene. Two couples I couldn’t care less about doing a sport I care about even less than that. Monique asks Ashley if she’s coming to her event, and Ashley confirms that she’s going to Robyn’s event in an effort to rebuild their relationship. They move on to talking about Sherman’s absence at Gizelle’s birthday. Monique spills the tea that Sherman’s wife at the time found out about him cheating when he got arrested while getting a blowjob from a hooker in a park. Barf.

Robyn and Juan are cooking chili. Riveting. Gizelle is supposed to be coming with Sherman, and when she shows up, he’s not in tow. She announces that they’ve broken up and asks for a glass of red wine, so Robyn digs out some cooking wine to give her, and Gizelle dives into why they broke up. Basically, Sherman sucks and didn’t want to try for the relationship anymore, and Juan tells her she’s “being an asshole” because he thinks she’s putting her pride ahead of the relationship. Shut up, Juan. Not everyone wants to hang around and put up with bullshit for 20 years while their partner goes and bones teenagers and/or hookers.

The end.

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