This week, on Real Housewives of Orange County…
Tamra and Eddie are getting ready to move out of their home, and Eddie has to remind us he’s straight by announcing that they won’t be having sex in that home anymore. Ryan is within earshot, lurking as always. Eddie says the only person he doesn’t want in his home is Vicki and I think that’s fair. No one does. Tamra and Vicki are friends again, but that should only last about four minutes. Eddie has to go teach a class at CUT Fitness (home of the unforgettable desert highway mural) because a teacher called in sick, and we learn he has Atrial Fibrillation. She cries with her mom and it’s actually sad. NOT HOW I LIKE MY SEASON OPENERS, TAMRA.
The Horniest Woman in Orange County aka Vicki Gunvalson is ready to go with Steve Lodge. Vicki asks him about when he’s going to move in “formally” and change his address. Steve laughs in her face, which of course, in true Vicki fashion, looks drastically different from last season. She must get in that Shannon is sad because David has moved on, and that Brooks is getting married because she can’t fucking let go of that cancer-faking hick with a penchant for underage porn stars and rented fur coats. Vicki reminds us of her codependency issues and need for her “love tank” to be filled, but I don’t think there’s enough um…matter… for one to possibly fill a tank that big. Vicki talks about how glad she is that her and Tamra and Shannon are friends again but this feels like trouble.
Tamra and Eddie move into their new home, which looks exactly like their old home. They are moving in before it’s done because Eddie is having surgery and this is somehow LESS stressful? There are no counters or sinks and there is dust everywhere, which is always ideal when recovering from heart surgery. She humble brags to Shannon by saying the house isn’t “anything special” at 4,000 square feet and brand new. But I suppose she’s right, there’s nothing special about putting 2% down with an 80 year loan. Shannon says it’s nicer than where her and Kelly are living on Divorcee Drive.
Shannon is at home with her Manson family daughters and talks about life after 20 years of marriage to that fish-eyed freak David Beador. She went from living in 14,000 square feet to 4,000 square feet, which bums her out. Shannon, you’re better off. That guy is a total tool and last time I saw him at the Santa Monica Promenade, he was pretending to dodge people “taking pictures” when the only reason anyone MAY have been actually staring was because they were concerned he had a serious thyroid condition and may need medical help. Shannon has lost weight and is looking better than ever.
We head over to Kelly’s new townhouse and it’s definitely a divorce house. This place makes Robyn’s townhouse look like Villa Rosa. I have been paused on this kitchen for a solid 10 minutes and my running commentary has yet to cease. She talks about how easy dating/getting laid is after divorce and how they sold her old house for $5M, which they show us in a flashback video. The contents of the Z Gallerie palace don’t quite fit in her new surf shack. Jolie does math homework and Kelly reminds her she failed all of her math courses, but she is in her “prime” at 42. Have another drink, Kel.
Vicki and Shannon meet for coffee and Shannon immediately tells her she’s down 10 pounds. Let us not forget that Shannon blamed Vicki all last season for her weight gain, so it is only fitting that she keep Vicky abreast of any and all weight related matters. Shannon is hopeful that her and Vicki can get their friendship back on track and they talk about Shannon’s divorce. She opens up about the fact that David has a new, younger girlfriend but don’t worry, Shannon. She’ll dump him once she realizes he’s probably a serial killer.
It’s now Eddie’s surgery day, and during Eddies surgery, they found out his heart is beating irregularly in other places so his AFib may come back. Tamra meets Ryan for coffee and updates him on the surgery. Vicki calls and offers to bring Tamra a juice, because nothing is more comforting than green sludge to make you shit your pants on the way home from the hospital.
Kelly and Jolie meet Vicki for dinner and they discuss Shannon’s divorce, get drunk, and act like assholes. Vicki says she has plans to set Shannon up on a blind date. Kelly comes up with the grand idea to do a ropes course with the other OC ladies.
Tamra meets up with Emily, an attorney who moonlights as a party planner. She looks like they plucked her from the attorney lineup on 90 Day Fiancé. Tamra reveals they got into a fight because Emily invited Ricky to her birthday party, not knowing Tamra had beef with him (and everyone else in Orange County). Just a reminder: Ricky was the assclown in Tamra’s wedding who then went on to tell Gretchen and Lizzie that he saw Eddie making out with a man. Tamra lets her know that she didn’t like seeing photos of Emily with Ricky and Gretchen, and Emily plays dumb. She says the reason she reached out to Tamra is because she’s in therapy, but so is everyone in Orange County. I think we all know it’s really because Gretchen and Lizzie are irrelevant and Tamra is still actually ON the show. They hug it out but I’m sure it’s a short lived truce.
Now we’re at Emily’s house of shrieking children and I want out. She describes her childhood and talks about growing up poor in Ohio to passing the bar on her first try. Her husband, Shane, is introduced and he’s a charisma vacuum and also an attorney. She reveals he proposed over FUCKING FACEBOOK CHAT and now I rest MY case: this guy sucks. We take a tour of their very 2006 house while they look for one of their 4000 kids.
I’m not sold on Emily just yet, but LITERALLY ANYONE is better than Lydia. If I had to watch one more season of her stupid arm waving, glitter throwing, “if you don’t like my sparkle, get off my rainbow” bullshit, I was going to dump OC all together.
Now we’re at Shannon’s and everyone’s favorite Golden Retriever, Archie, has pooped all over the Astroturf. Poor Shannon. I feel like we spent all last season watching her clean UP shit from Archie and then proceed to get shit ON by David. Here’s to hoping this isn’t a season of more shit. Tamra comes over and they discuss the divorce and Shannon is STILL WEARING HER WEDDING RING. Sell that shit and go on vacation, Shannon. Tamra, the constant all-too-gleeful bearer of terrible news, drops the bomb on Shannon that David and his new girlfriend were communicating while him and Shannon were still married. Tamra tries to help her take off the wedding ring and they do an entire scene of them struggling to get it off with soap and water. They are one second away from calling the fire department to have it sawed off when FINALLY it comes off, carrying with it a few layers of skin. I don’t think she has the physical option to put it back on, and I cringed with pain watching it.
The girls all meet up to do a ropes course and Shannon shows up IN A HELMET. I will always love the fact that Shannon has no fear of embarrassment whatsoever on camera. Kelly won’t stop talking about fucking everyone in town since the divorce and Shannon says she’s terrified to date. At the ropes course, Tamra of course has to say “I used to trust people, but now I don’t” to the ropes instructor. Her hypocritical ass can never let it go. Next comes a montage of all the times Vicki has fallen on her ass. This ropes course looks stupid and I don’t know why anyone would do it. I’m sick of all this dumb Spartan race/extreme fitness bullshit with OC. Can’t you ladies just go to Fashion Island and call it a day? Shannon has an emotional breakdown and I wish I could remind her that this entire thing is a waste of time. Kelly yells words of encouragement which is actually nice but this really isn’t that serious. Shannon accidentally almost rips off Vicki’s finger and both her and Vicki start crying. I hope this ends soon because I can’t stand one more minute of them screaming and panicking. The ladies end with the zip line and bond over their shared girl power moment but again, I sense that this new bond is going to last about as long as Kristen Doute’s comedy career.