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This was a big week for Bravo. RHONY is finally back, and it its wake, you may have missed the season premier of Southern Charm. We’re back with their bullshit and it’s a disaster. The episode opens up with Cameran rolling out of bed and pregnant as all hell (though still looking really cute!) and Shep going to Chick-Fil-A, so that’s no surprise. We then cut to Patricia’s old ass flaunting a GIANT diamond ring she’s gotten from her latest victim boyfriend. Next is Chelsea riding her skateboard with her dog pulling her because yes we get it, she’s the cool one, and Austen dropping Oreos into milk. Next, we have Kathryn saging her new apartment to “protect it from assholes” and hopefully to also attract a cleaning lady, and then we jump to Satan himself aka Thomas. He is in his signature look of white jeans with gut overhang which immediately sent me into a rage. Our first real scene opens up with Shep bringing the aforementioned Chick-Fil-A to Cameran and even though that’s nice, I still hate him. He goes on to whine about how the girl he liked wasn’t for him because she went home at 11:00 p.m. when he still wanted to party. Fortunately Cameran screams at him the very thing I was screaming at the TV, which is “YOU ARE OLD STOP IT.” He starts to say he is young but then cuts himself off when he remembers he’s 62. He was also pissed because the girl apparently didn’t make enough of an effort to see him when he visited her, and says if she wanted to, she would have made it happen even if there was “NUCULAR WAR.” NUCULAR. NU. CU. LAR. We are off to a great start here, folks.

We then go to Kathryn’s apartment and let me just say this: Kathryn, you’re my favorite on the show because I actually believe you go through a nightmare every day with Thomas and you’re legitimately trying. I mean it was kind of a bad call to have not one but TWO babies with this monster, but I genuinely feel like he manipulated you and took advantage. Now, HAVING SAID THAT, we’re going to be talking a lot about things you need to do to get your shit together. One: you really do need a housekeeper. I can’t handle looking at your shitfest of an apartment all season that looks like it was designed by jammy handed, noodle necklace making kindergartners. Two: your spray tan. It’s worse than mine and I’m one streaky bitch. Three: that hair. What have you done. Anyway, her arm is all bruised because of the mandatory blood alcohol tests she has to take whenever Thomas says so. She’s firing Deidre the nanny when they move into “phase 2” of their custody agreement and I have to say, good for you. She’s a bitch. Next we go on over to Thomas’s new house. I guess he got sick of the world wanting to tar and feather him for making his children live IN THE GUEST HOUSE of his old home so they wouldn’t mess it up, so he got a new one where they are actually allowed. Thomas, I will say this many times this season: you are the worst person on Bravo. You are even worse than Jax, and that’s really saying something. We then meet his new girlfriend Ashley, some skank from a bar he met in LA who he claims did the “come hither” finger to him and they’ve been together ever since. He gets gross and says things like, “there is only one form of cardio I like” and looks at her with his rapey eyes. The only thing more obvious than Thomas’s cocaine lined countertops in this show is Ashley’s premeditated attempt at ending up a reality star. Next, Naomi goes to Chelsea for a haircut and it is revealed that she has dumped Craig and his sewing machine and Chelsea has dumped Austen and his bone-structureless face. Good on you, girls. You can both do better. Both men are currently jobless. Austen explains how he’s getting “so much done” now that he’s unemployed, and they do a montage of his “busy” week. Monday, he played some form of solo basketball on a mini net in his home, Tuesday he watched TV, Wednesday, he napped. AUSTEN. I AM A FUCKING BLOGGER AND YET YOU STILL ARE MANAGING TO DO LESS THAN ME. Next we have a boring scene between Shep and Austen where Shep reminds us for the 457th time that it’s his birthday and Austen whines about how Chelsea dumped him when he started sleeping with her friend and how lame that is. After that, Shep goes to meet Whitney aka Norman Bates. Remember when I said Thomas was the worst person on Bravo? Well, Whitney is a very close second (things are looking up for you, Jax!). Whitney laments about how “mother has a gentleman caller” and says the first time she sprung a marriage on him was when he was away at school in England and she SENT HIM A TELEGRAM. A TELEGRAM? HOW FUCKING OLD ARE YOU?

Thomas then goes to JD’s guest house, because that’s where that loser is living now that Elizabeth has dumped his broke ass. He’s currently being sued for $163,000 for not once paying rent on his shitty bar, The Gentry Bar and Room. Thomas is STILL in his white pants and I’m so furious I can’t even talk about it. One thing JD fails to mention is that Elizabeth also kicked him to the curb because he was cheating on her. Now we have Craig helping Shep barbecue for his stupid birthday party, and lo-and-behold he has monogrammed an apron for Shep. The sewing continues. The boys can’t start a fire in the smoker they rented with lighter fluid, wood, charcoal, and newspaper, which frankly comes as no surprise. Austen shows up and brings Shep a book on the Vietnam War for his birthday because you know, party on. While the boys are bumblefucking their way through setting up for the party, we go to Naomi’s new house where Dani, Kathryn, Naomi, and Chelsea all get together to drink wine and talk shit before the festivities begin. Kathryn reveals that Shep made her shower before sex, which at first I thought was super obnoxious of him but the she says it’s because of her spray tan and for once, I’m on team Shep. That tan is a mess, and until you fix it Kathryn, I’m sorry but you’ll be known as Kathryn Tan Palm (KTP) henceforth. KTP is going to meet Ashley for the first time, and says that the only reason she even knows she exists is because her three-year-old told her that Ashley “sleeps in Daddy’s room”…again, Thomas is the worst. Him, his white pants, and his skank-du-jour then leave for the party, Solo cups of booze in hand and Thomas ready to watch a fight. There’s a full moon and a “to be continued…” at the end, so expect the worst.

UPDATE: I JUST REALIZED LANDON IS GONE. THANK YOU, BRAVO GODS. I COULD NOT HANDLE ONE MORE SEASON OF THAT VOICE/LAUGH.

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