It’s 7:30 p.m. and we’re at Shep’s house watching him and the boys prepare to give everyone E. coli. Whitney shows up armed with a birthday present that surely includes a gift certificate for one night with a Thai ladyboy. Thomasshole and Assley are on their way to the party and Assley says she doesn’t understand why Kathryn has to be part of the approval process of the new nanny. OH, I DON’T KNOW. MAYBE BECAUSE SHE’S THE MOM? Then this idiot says her and Thomasshole should get married and she can become the legal caretaker of the children. Coming out with a bang and we are two minutes and 30 seconds into this mess. Everyone starts to arrive at the party and Assley is kissing everyone’s ass, including Cameran’s. Cameran looks like she’s about to go into labor in the backyard and Assley asks her if she’s about four or five months pregnant. Eye roll. Aren’t you allegedly a nurse? We see before and after photos of Shep’s house to showcase his stunning renovation and HGTV Dream House it is not. Craig is nervous about seeing Naomie because he clearly still cares about her, and she echoes his sentiments. They’ll definitely get back together. Austen tells Whitney about how he started dating one of Chelsea’s friends and even Whitney looks appalled. Apparently JD calls Danni, Naomie and Kathryn the “break up bunch,” but like…JD…you owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxes and your wife made you move into the guest house. Let’s not throw stones when your glass house is about to be foreclosed on and your Jeep Grand Cherokee is about to be repossessed, okay? The girls are in the car getting fucked up and talking about how men are narcissistic assholes and getting all worked up, so this is setting up to be a great party. Kathryn is waving around her travel hairspray and Danni is crushing some candy and putting on mascara, and the more I see from them, the more I feel like these are my kind of girls. The girls show up and this REALLY is an awkward group for a celebration. If this was not a TV show, this ragtag group of ex’s would NEVER be getting together like this. One thing I keep thinking is how weird it must be for Kathryn knowing she’s slept with Thomas, Craig, Whitney, AND Shep at this party. The only guy she hasn’t been with is Austen, but the season is young. Kathryn says hi to Thomas and shakes Assley’s hand but has to go hide Shep’s gift, which is a great excuse to get away from that interaction. Early prediction: all these asshats will be back together by the end of the season. Danni’s gift to Shep is a framed bottle of Fireball, a condom, and a cigar with the sign “in case of emergency, break glass” and I hate how appropriate of a gift that is for this loser. Shep pops a boner over how good Naomie looks. He’s such a great friend. Assley talks about how she’s scared of bugs and apparently she was going to move to Las Vegas but Thomasshole convinced her to move to Charleston. I’m sure that wasn’t hard. He of course has to be a douche in front of Kathryn and grope Assley in front of her, and Assley has to giggle and pretend she’s annoyed.
JD, his beergut and horrible personality arrive and no one is happy to see him. Naomie is ready to pop his balloon belly with an icepick and I really hope she does. Kathryn says she still loves Thomas and HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? The food is ready and Cameran is a girl after my own heart- as a fellow pregnant woman, I can understand her desire to deal with zero human interaction and be the only person at the table stuffing her face (but to be fair, I’m like that pregnant or not). JD joins her and it’s a shock because I was under the impression that they had cooked all the pork but here he is, so I guess not. Naomie misses Craig and again, why? Thomas breaks the ice with Kathryn by telling her a blonde joke in honor of her new hair. Then he tells her he’s already hired a new nanny without telling her, which pisses her off. She very calmly tells him why that is bullshit, and he brushes it off but then of course starts fantasizing about life with “this calm Katherine.” But it’s a nice change from their usual screaming and arm swinging (think: “THOMASSSSSS” on the dock after last season’s party) . They bond, Assley comes up and ruins their nice co-parenting moment by inserting herself. She springs it on Kathryn that she moved to Charleston for Thomas AND has met her children, so Kathryn says she’s just caught off guard because Thomas never mentioned even having a girlfriend and Thomas very unconvincingly says, “Oh I thought I told you…” But KATHRYN! I am VERY proud of you for not flying off the handle. We’ll see how long that lasts. But still, sober looks good on KD. Naomie says she’d want to kill whoever the first girl Craig dates after her is, as well as that girl’s whole family and says she thinks that’s normal. JD starts talking about Elizabeth and his cackle laugh is so fucking gross I want to vomit. Naomie says she hates his laugh so much it gives her nightmares, and THAT is something we can both agree on. They comment on the full moon and how that means the women are fertile, and the shady Bravo editors cut to Kathryn. Then Assley giggles a bunch and draws attention to herself so everyone will comment about Thomasshole knocking her up too. The editors also show Shep’s disgusting feet. Twice. Assley and Thomasshole leave the table and scamper off to the bathroom together to have sex, do coke, or both.
Naomie FINALLY LOSES IT ON JD AND I AM SO EXCITED. She tells him to “be a better husband” and tells him she has to go to Elizabeth’s house everyday to pick her up out of bed and help her to stop crying. She also calls him out for “fucking 20 year olds” and all I want to know is WHAT 20 YEAR OLD (or anyone, for that matter) IS FUCKING THIS SLOB? Aim higher, ladies. Then Chelsea pops in with “and you’re a con artist!” which was a nice touch. All the girls go in on him and he finally leaves. Let’s pray he never comes back. Craig goes and comforts Naomie, tells her she did the right thing by calling out JD, and for some reason now I want them to get back together. I think it’s just hormones. Next, Kathryn and Naomie bond over how neither of them are over their exes at Naomie’s house. Cut to Thomasshole and Assley going out to dinner and Thomas keeps trying to push shots on her and again, gets all rapey. Then he goes on to say “when there’s estrogen, it’s win for the sake of winning” talking about Kathryn wanting to “win” over Assley and it’s like just when I think I can’t hate him more, he says shit like that. The episode ends with him telling Assley that him and Kathryn would still be together if she had always been “sweet and nice” and Assley almost chokes on an oyster. But we aren’t that lucky.